Video: According to Ken

According to Ken,

we're fucked.



Mindboggling. I swear he is being sarcastic, but I could also equally swear just as hard that he is not. What the fuck is going on here? How do you get like this? Where is Rush Limbaugh when you need him?

Video: The Most Epically Depressing Stop-Motion Ever

Wowsers.



I defy anyone to explain this. Defy.

and that song? lulz.

"WE KILL THE DRAGONS"

Something Wicked (Awesome) This Way Comes...

Hello all.

My friends and I are about to do something very shit-happy awesome, and I will be chronicling our adventures on this here website. I can't tell you what exactly it is we are doing at the moment, for that would spoil all the fun. And all the fun can't be spoilt. Not one damn drop. But I can give you a picture, that if you know any of us, will give it away:


Stay tuned, my friends.

A song for this special occasion? A song?

mp3: Funkadelic - Hit It And Quit It

Song Of The Day

"Not too many hours from this hour...
so long!
The storm comes, or is it just another shower?

Artist: The Chameleons UK
Album: Script of the Bridge
Song: Swamp Thing

Song Of The Day

Hey yallsers.

One more thing that I'm starting today. I'm gonna put up one song a day (no shit sherlock), with no explanation, just know that I really dig that song that day. It could be anything, no rules. The idea is that if you don't know the song, you download it (virus free!) and if you
like it you check out other shit by the artist. If youseguys got any suggestions for SOTD, or something you just couldn't live without hearing right now, lemme know. So here goes.


Artist: Bibio
Album: Ambivalence Avenue
Song: Jealous Of Roses

(links are ta mediafire. text yoself befo ya wreck yoself)

Wait...So They Suck Now? Vol. I

Hello all. Here at Solid Gold Easy Action, I am beginning a new once-weekly feature that highlights certain bands' fall into the abyss of suck. Too often in this post-post-post-post modern culture, bands are given free passes for too long after they have shown the obvious inability to put two good songs together. While this often pertains to older bands who have overstayed their welcome in the world of music (ie: Rush), those bands are not what I will focus on, mainly because they (ie: Rush) have a history of contribution to music and still are influences by way of past records.

Rather, I would like to focus on bands that showed so much promise, seemingly with so much talent, that were given too much goddam money to do what they wanted and who then proceeded to go and fuck it all up. So without further ado, I present the first ever weekly feature on Solid Gold Easy Action:

WAIT...SO THEY SUCK NOW?

FEAT. BLOC PARTY

Happiness is fleeting for the fool.

The Year is 2005.

Possibly one of the biggest bands in the world following the release of the where-the-fuck-did-this-come-from album Silent Alarm, Bloc Party looked like they could become something that would effectively steamroll indie rock for the next 10 years. Instead, they fucked up the formula that brought them so much success, which I will set out here...

Bloc Party's Formula For Success:
(Do not take this if you are pregnant or think you might become pregnant. Consult your doctor before taking BPFFS, as it can have serious side effects if taken in large doses, such as compulsory dancing and screaming of things like "We've got crosses on our eyes, walking into the furniture" in an English accent)

Success=dueling guitar lines+driving rhythm section+repeatable lyrics+cool factor/being British

Sadly, this band that spawned such fantastic (dare I say classic?) songs such as "Positive Tension", "Helicopter", and "She's Hearing Voices" among others, has released possibly two of the WORST records I've ever forced myself to listen to, namely 2007's atrocious A Weekend In The City and 2009's yawn-fest Intimacy. If i could understand why they just...for lack of a better way to say it...stopped being good, I would tell you, but goddammit, Bloc Party make no fucking sense.

Bloc Party make about as much sense as this.

From a unbiased and completely musical prospective, you might say that their label should drop them so fast it would make their ears bleed. But this music bullshit is a business, so Bloc Party and their mess of a career is shoved down our throats. Bullshit abounded everywhere. In magazines and across the blogosphere, accolades came raining down upon the heaping piles of shit that were the second two albums. But oh, wait a second, nobody was listening to it. I mean, really listening to it. Lets take A Weekend In The City for a jaunt, shall we?

A Weekend In The City:

In two words, this album is both pompous and dull. The single highlight of the album is the second track, "Hunting For Witches", which again, makes no goddam sense, but hey, this is becoming a theme isn't it? This veritable hoo-ha retard circus of a record switches between its own upper-class narcissism and overwrought dramatics, making it almost impossible to listen to in one sitting. It's like they sat around and actually thought that putting a ballad every other song was some sort of genius idea. It's not. It's fucking insane. A Weekend In The City wears on the listener, which is the exact opposite effect of Silent Alarm. The brilliance of Silent Alarm was wrapped up in its ability to constantly bring us back for another spin, another discovery of a lick we love or a lyric that gets stuck in our heads. Instead of this, we are forced to endure the endless self-important social commentary about modern life from frontman Kele Okereke, who disturbingly begins to sound more and more like Bono for indie kids. He drones on and on in "Uniform" about how indie kids are so mad hypocritical, then moans for a fucking queen's age about a young lost love in "I Still Remember". We don't need this new you, Kele. Give us back the iconic lines, like in "Positive Tension": "Something glorious is about to happen/ The reckoning". Or from "Luno": "I can heal all the blind/ I can cure all the sick/I can say the right things".

Those are real expressions of inner passion. Not the bullshit all over A Weekend In The City or Intimacy. Honestly, I'm not even going to give Intimacy a fair trial, because I swear to jesus it's not an actual record. It's a collection of electronically manipulated sounds with wailing over it. "One Month Off" is alright, but only alright.

Where did this all go so wrong?

Like I said in my introduction, some bands are given too much money and too much artistic license. There is such a thing. And this is what I believe happened to Bloc Party. Yes, nobody expected them to make another Silent Alarm. That's fair. But what people did not expect was that Bloc Party would sacrifice their wonderful combination of songcraft and balanced righteous aggression in order to "progress" musically. Progression is sometimes a very horrible thing. Just ask Rivers Cuomo. Not that they care though, they just keep on forging ahead into this netherworld of suck without reserve or restraint.

And that is why Bloc Party sucks now.

I'm coming for your old dumb ass, Bob Dylan.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have any suggestions as to what band should be featured next
week, just leave their name down there in da commentz. If I pick your
suggestion, you win so much stuff. I swear, so much stuff.

Really though, plz leave suggestions/feedback/social security numbers.

4 Reasons Why Iran Sucks It Hard

Don't you just love the news?

It's full of happiness and joy, bringing hard-working Americans together in front of the television set to learn about the world which they inhabit. It informs and entertains without losing any journalistic integrity. It is not biased toward any political or social agenda, and is an equal opportunity employer. Anyone can be on the news! Even you! They care about giving the American public the nitty-gritty facts they need to get through tomorrow. Our world, our children, and our land is safer and a better place because of the news.

You wanna know what that paragraph was? Satire, asshole. Satire.

This whole Iran thing has got me down, brothers and sisters. Today from the AP press wire came this wonderful piece of info:

"President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad vowed Saturday to make the U.S. regret its criticism of Iran's postelection crackdown and said the 'mask has been removed' from the Obama administrations efforts to improve relations"

Friends, this is why we don't do anything about shit that goes down in shitholes. It gets all shitty in there. Shitstorms.

Explaining the length and girth of his penis.

Apparently, he IS the president of Iran, so that's sweet I guess. But seriously, fuck this shit. I think somebody needs to put all this in its place.

1. Iran is effectively run by a group of clerics called "The Assembly of Experts"

Seriously? That sounds more like the title of Michael Bay's next movie. Maybe if we lobby hard they will change it to "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". Now that's a legislative body I can get behind.

This is what an Assembly of Experts looks like. If you were wondering.

So that's that.

2. It's a fucking Theocracy.

Some people might find this to be an attractive form of government. Well, I am here to tell you those people are the reason the terrorists are winning. You don't want the terrorists to win, do you? DO YOU?

Your New President.

3. If you lived in Iran, you would be poor. I guarantee it.

It has a highly concentrated sector of wealth. Essentially, if you think about how Mexico is, and then compare it to Iran, they have similar distributions of wealth. Only Mexico has drugs, whereas Iran has oil. And you know, Mexico is fucking Mexico. So there is a difference there.

On a related thought, is it any wonder then that the people rioted? They were trying to get attention. Obviously. But it seems that everyone (in the news) missed that. They weren't specifically rioting against the election but against the tyranny of the regime that oppresses them and sends their sons to nuclear factories instead of to school. They were rioting for a better life. If people died, it was worth the exposure.

Only time will tell if it worked.

Father Time ain't nuttin' ta fuck wit.

4. If you committed a crime, but you actually didn't, but still got the death sentence anyway, you can't appeal that shit.

I'm not even gonna explain this one. Look it up for yourself, lazy bastard.

Basically, we need to stop giving a shit what happens in Iran. Let it be. We have enough problems of our own. Yes, they may have nuclear weapons, but honestly, can they hit us? No? Oh, okay. Let's stay out of it then.

Bob Dylan, I'm fucking coming for you.

Fuck U2

Seriously.

Fuck these guys:

Fuck them. Fuck them for all time.

Do you like U2? You do? Oh good. See this? Thats my middle finger. In your face. In your girlfriend's face.

Today, I actually listened to the entirety of their "new" album No Line On the Horizon, and I can say with a high degree of certainty that it was one of the poorest decisions I've made in my nearly twenty years upon this green earth. To sum it up, as my good friend Robert says often, "This is some bullshit, John. Some bullshit". I can't actually believe people like U2. I feel it is all some huge international joke that I failed to get the email about because I transferred schools and the asses deleted my school account off their server. Asses. I look at you, registrar lady. You are an ass. May your children one day feel the whip of the slavedriver.

But back to the task at hand. I will deal with her rebel scum ass later. As I was listening to No Line On the WHOREizon my mind kept wandering to other things, such as how I should spend the remaining $15.34 in my wallet, or which one of my friends had the most advantageous qualities for surviving a zombie apocalypse with me. Then all of a sudden the album was over...and I was all like, "holy shit, I just listened to a fucking hour of nothing". I swear to you, I did not hear anything through my headphones. If I really think hard, I think I remember hearing like one or two words from the single off the album, "Get On Your Boots", but now that I say that, my brain is just probably making that up. The point is, there is no music on this album. Which brings me too my next point nicely:

When can we say that, officially, no one gives two fucks what U2 does?

One way ticket to Rapetown, please. No, there will be no luggage.

I would like to declare that moment upon us.

U2 has been around since 1976. Nine. Teen. Fucking. Seventy. Six. You know what that means? That means it's time to stop. Put on the brakes. Quit. Die. Old-folks homes. Animal shelters. Mall walking.

The problem really lies in their (Bono's) desperate attempts to stay relevant. Despite the fact that they (Bono) could package cowshit in a CD case and it would sell like hotcakes, they (Bono) have sought, from the Joshua Tree onwards, to be loved for their (Bono's) music rather than the monolith of stardom that effectively serves as a life-support machine for their (Bono's) career. And thus, they (Bono) realize they (Bono) have to put out something that can at least pass as musical progression. But lackaday fair reader, they (Bono) have finally failed.

2004's awfully titled (tittied?) How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb got a free pass because it spawned a number one, the lyrically obtuse "Vertigo". And by lyrically obtuse I mean Bono didn't count right in Spanish. Or sing about anything in particular. But man, did he sound like he meant it. Anyways, Nobody except assholes actually listened to the rest of it. Itunes used the shit out of "Vertigo" to promote their new ipod campaign, so people felt like U2 was relevant. I mean, product placement is key to success, right?

Right before he wallowed in a pit full of money.

But on No Line On the Horizon, there is no single to save it, no new reinvention that makes it worth a spin on the old computer. Fuck, the cover is a fucking LINE ON A HORIZON.

God, would I have loved to be in that meeting:
Bono: So what is the artwork?
Artist: Uh...A line on a horizon?
Bono: Fuck me and call me Sally, its perfect. Subtle, yet bold.
The Edge: My asshole hurts.
Artist: God damn my life.
Bono: AFRICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Edge: My asshole hurts.
Larry Mullen: Wait, am I still in the band?
(silence)
Larry Mullen: Okay, I'll just assume yes.
The Edge: My asshole hurts.

And Rolling Stone gave this shit 4 and a half stars and called it a modern masterpiece. That is precisely the moment I stopped reading Rolling Stone forever. You may be saying, no shit, why didn't you stop reading it earlier, and in answer to that, I confess I am a whore for interviews. A skeezy whore. But everything is changed now. No more will I give a damn what U2 does. They are more dead than Weezer.

You know what?

U2 = Moby Dick.

Both are overrated and full of gay themes.

In conclusion I would like to leave you with this:

What did you expect, really?

Should I do Bob Dylan tomorrow?

3 Reasons Michael Jackson Dying is a Publicity Stunt

This is you:
"HEY YOU GUYS! DID YOU HEAR?? MICHAEL JACKSON IS DEAD? I KNOW, I KNOW WTF!!!!!! I LIKE, SO LISTEN TO THRILLER ON MY WORKOUT MIX!!!! YEAH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE!!!!!"

Fuck that.

I swear to Jesus, this is a publicity stunt. Apparently, at some point yesterday, Michael Jackson, the self proclaimed "King Of Pop" kicked the ol' bucket. One too many chili cheese fries at Sonic. Do they sell those anymore? That shit gets EVERYWHERE. Fox News, CNN, NBC, and all the other bitch-ass "news" networks have been covering this "breaking story" "all day" and whatnot.
And I don't believe it. Not for one goddamned second.

Actually Not Dead.

I feel as if Wacko-Jacko had much to gain from a RocknRolla "Paul Is Dead"-esque type disappearance act. Besides the fact that the guy is a fucking balls-out lunatic, this seems to fit in well with his generally fucked up life. Very little self control, this man. But there are some other shady going-ons that I quickly realized were signs of tricks. Trickery. Highway robbery. Manslaughter. Assorted other felonies.

1. No-Shows:

Jackson only showed up for two rehearsals in preparation for his huge comeback concert series beginning in London and carrying on through the fall. Bullshit? To the promoters, very bullshit. Fearing for their investments, the people (and I say that assuming robots did not put up the capital to fund these shows, which may or may not be a correct assumption) that funded the tour were legitimately starting to freak the fuck out on Mike. And he was all like, screw you guys, I'm going home. To L.A.

Would prudent businessmen really invest in something they knew was going to tank?

These are prudent businessmen.

Not likely, I say. But Jack just wouldn't show up. So in efforts to postpone the concerts a second time, they came up with a devilishly genius plan. Fake Michael's death. And that children, is how you do business. Fake deaths and plastic surgeries.

2. Sales:

This is the obvious one. I went to a CD Warehouse today, and the guy behind the counter that pretty much plays only Iron Maiden and wears shirts that say "I please one person a day, and today isn't your day" said that he had at least 10 people come in the last hour asking for Jackson CD's. Which if you think about it for one fucking second is retarded because one, just because you bought it the day he died doesn't make it any more significant or worth more and two, the internet is laughing at you because you bought something from a store.

The Internet.

So today was a good day for the sales of whatever it is Michael Jackson sings, although I don't know any of them because the torrent I downloaded of his number one hits was password protected.

3. The man is a FUCKING LUNATIC:


So in conclusion, when he comes back from a holiday in Rapetown or wherever they sent him, I told you so.